Fresh from meditation I sit here recharged, peaceful and focused
out in my ListeningHut in my garden, behind the apple tree
singing long tones together with the Nepalese cd voices
sensing strength spread out within me, from the core outwards.
Yesterday I felt so down, so extremely low on energy, so sad
I spent many hours on the sofa, stressed and tense within.
Many chores and tasks await my attention.
Even christmas decorations are still up!
Feel so useless when I don´t have energy, trapped
in my own tiredness, all powerless, uncapable of action.
And then, like magic, the next day, like today, I feel quite differently,
having slept, having talked to my two best friends about my feelings,
and through meditation and voice work,
energy is returning to my body, mind & spirit,
not quite roaring to go yet, but definately getting closer
to that place where things get done and laughter hangs loose.
I guess the fatigue is due partly to having mothered a long holiday,
partly to still being in grieving over the loss of Ellen and partly it´s
the Scandinavian winter darkness, lack of sunlight, decreasing
dopamin and serotonin levels, the natural mood lifters provided for
us earthlings by the sunrays connecting soil and sky.
A lot of Scandinavians suffer from “winter depression” because we
only see the sun a few hours each day, in some areas they don´t
actually see the sun at all for months on end!
I have a lamp, 1000 watt strong, to help my body get light.
An ordinary thing to do here in the north. Sit before a strong lamp
for 30-60 minutes every day. It sounds strange, maybe. But it helps.
Two days ago I wrote a pretty special blogpost. “The New.”
Empowered, brave in my eyes, open hearted.
I am proud I could phrase my inner process like that.
And I aim to remain in that spirit, that mindset, that mode of being…
for as much of the time as I can. I see that I am not light enough, yet,
to just stay there solid, or… stable…
to be in that frequency continually…
and I will allow the process of growth to come to me
in its own natural pace and way.
I believe I must rise my vibration by thinking positive,
by acceptance and love towards myself as well as towards
all else. If I feel guilt or shame or stupid for not being good enough,
then out of those thought-feelings will come more of the same,
it will not lift me higher, but drag me down, make me dark, heavy.
Is one major exercise for me this January, this year, this lifetime.
Not to hold on to disappointments. To fear. To ideas of “should” or
“must”. Try to talk against negative thoughts when they appear on my
inner movie screen. Try to do something every day that uplifts me.
And accept I´m only human, and progress takes time, and perfection
is not something to strive for but a trap set by the ego.
I will allow myself to be in a natural flow. Where I do my best.
And rest assured that forgiving myself for my shortcomings,
is a lot more beneficial to my rising, than being angry with myself
can ever be. Focus on what lifts my spirit, not what drags me down.
My cape, my lantern and my sword. Hold on to these.
One step at the time. Two forward, one backward… it is okay.
I will be my own best friend. Be understanding and encouraging.
When what I need is meditation, sleep, singing long tones, watching
Dr.Phil on tv whilst eating something sugary… so be it.
Being drained is natural. And when lucky, very fixable.
I will choose my battles, as few as possible thank you very much.
And I will count my blessings.
I am a lucky person. I do my best.
Everything is as it is supposed to be, and that is perfectly fine.
One day blue, another day purple, breathing through the crown.
Emotion is energy in motion.
I let it through me, and then I let it go.
Let it flow.
I reap when first I sow.
Picking the right seeds to help Love grow.
And so it is.