Yesterday I felt stressed. I thought, what AM I going to write about on my blog next? And will I be able to keep up this pace, and keep writing things, and interesting things?
I have a few ideas about what I want to write about.
I want to show you my children´s kindergarten. Words and visuals. And I want to talk about my year in Bahrain, maybe some more about my years in Wales, my half a year in Lysoysund in Norway… There will be more posts about Servas, and about the process of building a blog. And I want to talk about my three experiences with natural birth giving.
But all these could be written in a week. And after that?
In my post “In trust I trust”, I wrote about having trust in fellow humans´ innocence and good intentions. And trusting in my intuition. I guess confidence has a lot to do with trusting in one´s own abilities.
What governs the level of confidence?
To an extent, our upbringing. Whether our parents gave enough praise, and apologized when they hurt our feelings so we didn´t grow a habit of thinking there´s something wrong with us.
“Am I good enough?” Is a question that many of us have with us from childhood, and work at moving beyond, throughout adulthood.
There are three more such “base feelings”, says Githa, my teacher in vocal sound therapy. (See the category “vocal sound therapy” for more info).
The four base feelings are:
I am not good enough
I am different
I don´t want to be here
I´m not welcome here
Some of these will resonnate more than the others, in each of us. But almost everyone has inner work to do with one or more of these questions. When we do the work, old traumas can loosen from our nervous systems and vanish. It is a great relief when it happens. It´s one of the things we work towards with our therapy method.
Confidence. Today I feel confident. Though yesterday I was doubtful. Why like this?!
Is it the moon?
(Biorhythms was a very popular concept in the 80s, I haven´t heard them mentioned for a decade or two, don´t know if the concept is still in use…)
I feel certain it has something to do with me going to bed early last night, and gaining a good night´s sleep. Alfa.
The Omega, then would be food, physical nutrition. Which we generally take good care of in my home.
And then there is the issue of trust. In my abilities.
Plus trust in getting help from Life. The UniVerse. Higher forces. God, if that´s your preferred name for it. The Light. Trusting in Inspiration.
I am not a religios person, but I am a spiritual one.
I see myself as a spiritual being, having a human experience.
(Which is a line in my exit song, in my videopoetry installation blogpost “Linking”).
I trust that Life will help me find issues to write about.
I do. Like this morning, walking home from the kindergarten, I thought to myself that I feel better today than yesterday, it´s like I´m more confident… and BOOFF. “Confidence”, I thought. “Good blog title”.
Some days I´m confident to a strong degree. Other days I´m not. Maybe it´s the same for everyone? I don´t know.
All the blog comments gave me heaps of confidence that I can make money on this activity. That there is a real audience out there, who appreciate the content of this blog.
Then I installed a spam filter. BAM. No more comments!!
But my blog HAS been shared on Bloglovin and on Delicious.
It has doubled and tripled every month as I´ve typed along. And March has been the wildest month so far. 13.000 visitors now. About 10.000 of them have been in March!!
I have advertized, and managed to find a person who will come and help me with plugin issues, and help me install an advert or two plus a donation button.
After that, I can get an idea about whether it´s realistic I can be a moneymaking blogger or not. It would be such a tremendously perfect thing for me if I could/can.
Time will tell.
I am grateful I have now found a person who knows my technical systems and can straighten things out so everything works, and I get a better understanding of the frameworks of blogging.
It is an important investment. I don´t really have the money to invest, but. I´m trusting it will be a survivable expense, and give payback.
It´s about our convictions as well, isn´t it. What we believe to be true. Consciously or subconsciously. Our theories about how the world works. Our perceptions of reality.
One of my convictions, for example, which I am trying to stop believing in, is:
“I can´t do that, because I don´t have the official qualification for it. I´m not educated.”
or these ones:
“One shouldn´t help oneself to things, it is rude and greedy.”
“To be quiet and modest is the best behaviour.”
“There are so many other great writers, and books, blogs, films and music albums out there, there is no need for me to publish things as well. What can I possibly add that isn´t already covered by someone else.”
It´s a good thing I can spot these convictions. And that I don´t believe fully in them. They get me down from time to time, but they haven´t stopped me. I have published a book, and a film where I also sing in public, I´ve made videowork for an app and edited tv programmes, and now I´m crafting this blog. (And yes, I do have plans for making an album slowly but surely, with the 5 songs from my videopoem installation plus 5-7 more songs, most of which I have yet to create).
I work at my inner dialogue, talking against my convictions, and changing them, so my convictions become a support for my vision of a financially fulfilling future.
I also spend energy on healing old wounds, rewriting my history, my understanding of events in my past, to focus on the positive consequences instead of the wounds they gave me.
For example, things have happened to me, that have given me a greater understanding about some kinds of pain, so I have more empathy for others in similar situations.
And I have gained humbleness, I have learnt there are limits, that I have to look after the needs of my body, and the needs of my self image. To draw the line for how far I allow people to treat me badly, for example…
Deal breakers, as Dr.Phil calls them. The points that mean a relationship is over. The point where I stop trying and walk away.
For example violence. Not just physical, but also emotional violence. I have taken too much of that in my past relationships. I won´t again. Ever.
I work on my convictions, and on healing myself, freeing myself from old hurt feelings.
And I try to create myself a source of income through actions. Through practicing sound therapy towards my exam, and through continuing this blogging.
Is there a song that can illustrate it for us, increase the strength of the words, add a feeling?
Mika. I love many of his songs.
These tracks give me a beat I associate with the energy of confidence. Upbeat, positive. Happy, steady pace.
And the lyrics of Relax cling true to me.
One more musicvideo. With Conchita Wurst.
Who won the European Song Contest, wasn´t it last year?
From Austria. I have seldom been so moved.
She really touched the hearts of so many of us. And she received the love she deserved, she won!
It made me feel very… grateful.
She had the confidence to stand up, and her confidence was rewarded. Her talent and beauty was recognized.
(Ps check out more of those song contest videos from 2014 and watch her receive top score after top score. Goosebumpy stuff)!
Rise like a phoenix, everybody!
Let´s all be confident! 🙂