Too tired for fun

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todo-list, calm, light.listen within

Today my husband is making a samba parade with his bigband, for a load of school- and kindergartenkids in Esbjerg. I could bring our fiveyearold and threeyearold to see the parade. It is a rare opportunity. I really feel I should make the effort, for him and the children and also for myself. But I just don´t have the energy for it! I really just don´t feel I can manage such a programme instead of leaving them in kindergarten and getting some quiet time alone.
I feel…well, I tell myself not to feel guilty about it. And my husband certainly does not put pressure on me in that way. I feel sad that we are missing out on this opportunity. At the same time I guess I also feel grateful to myself for making the decision that allows me to rest.

We are also invited to friends for dinner tonight. My husband said he can make it, we can go straight to theirs after he comes from work. To me it just sounded like stress. Fridays the kids get sweets and watch children´s tv 7pm. The only time a week they get candy and chocolate. Of course we could bring it out to our friends, we have done that before. And we love those people, and hang out with them happily any time. But I just felt I need to relax at home. My eldest daughter too came and asked me; “Can we not just stay home Friday?” I think it´s the last weekend, 4 days of non stop outings, that is catching up with us…

So I asked myself, what DO I feel like doing, these hours that I now have to myself, until 1 pm?
And immediately came this thought that I want to realize the idea I have had for a long time now, to go to the old cemetary outside the village in the south end of this island, and bring a packed lunch and some coffee. And most importantly bring the notebook in which I am writing a story about a 9 yearold girl whose mother dies of cancer. It is a story inspired by my late motherinlaw´s life. A story in which I have room to grieve losses, and to heal some of my own relationships. I discovered.

I don´t know if that story will ever be published. Maybe yes. But that is not why I am writing it.
The girl has been left in a small cottage in the woods for a long time now. I left her there and I have no idea what she will do next. So I feel curious! But also a bit scared of the possibility that I won´t be able to move her forwards! Hehehehe…. the joys of writing…. I clearly just need to sit down and listen within and see what comes forth. If nothing, then nothing. Nothing is something too.

So yes. Once I have finished this blogpost, I pack some food and coffee, and drive the 15 minutes to the old cemetary. I love old cemetaries, always have done. To read the inscriptions on the stones. To sit on a bench and hear wind in trees, there´s a special kid of quiet in cemetaries.
I never actually sat writing in one before.
But I have this thoughtfeeling, that there is a good spot there for me to just be in writing,
supported by the cemetary tranquility.

Let me finish with a song that I love. By an artist that I love. Nick Cave.

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